


Uncertain

by archaeologist_d



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, M/M, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-26 02:10:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7556065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archaeologist_d/pseuds/archaeologist_d
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur's memories made him who he was. But he could be more than just a bully.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Uncertain

I remember the first time my father hit me. I couldn't have been more than four or so, a child, and everything about that day seemed crooked afterwards, a lens covered in blood and pain.

I don't remember what I'd done, but there were stitches, and for a time, Gaius's gentle voice. I probably blocked out whatever else happened next, but I did spend the night in darkness and straw, a cell I think, because I remember the smell. It's funny sometimes how odours can bring back the pain or a flash of light or even the cold feel of iron under my palm, even now.

It wasn't the last time he hit me, either.

I learned to temper my reactions, learned to be stoic, and then later to take out my frustrations on others. A prince answered only to the king, and I think my father liked that I'd treat those lesser beings with contempt.

A blow to my ego became pain to someone else - a thrown chalice, a beating with fists or steel, even a night in those hated cells for those who got in my way. They couldn't fight back, either, and for a time, wrong though it was, it was almost enough.

Until Merlin.

Merlin didn't know – or didn't care. He'd talk back, stand his ground, duck whenever I threw something at him. I should have been furious, and for a time, I was. But there was something about him. His conviction, his courage, his refusal to back down, made me think again about what I was doing and why.

I realized that my father's punishments had made me insecure somehow - of his love, of my place, of everything. The only thing I could count on was pain and surely that wasn't enough to build a kingdom on.

But Merlin was certain. In every day, in every way, I could see the belief in his eyes, shining blue and steady and true, that I could better than a royal bully punishing those who could not defend themselves. That I could be a king worth following.

I'm going to try.

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Notes: for some reason, insecurity led me here. Oh, well.   
> Disclaimer: I do not own the BBC version of Merlin; It and Shine do. I am very respectfully borrowing them with no intent to profit. No money has changed hands. No copyright infringement is intended.


End file.
